I've had an immensely tiring afternoon. After the euphoria of getting back a solid A script for Maths in the morning, everything went downhill in the afternoon. Stopped what was seemingly a suicide attempt by a friend, with Hsien and Sirui. And it was traumatic, absolutely traumatic...

Was at Thai Noodle House with the 2 of them, when this friend msged Hsien these words:
Thanks for all the encouragement u gave. Just would like u to fulfil one last favour. It's in my hand where I am. Bye.
Now at this point I must say that he has had suicidal thoughts before, Sirui and me know that all too well cos we talked him out of thinking about jumping from last year till now for about 3 times already. But Hsien didn't know, so she just passed it to Sirui, wanting to find out what "cryptic" message it contained. And Sirui jumped when he saw it, passed it to me, and I jumped also, cos we had never seen him msg such an ominous threat before. The 2 of us rushed out to call Miss Ong, his parents, his best friend, Samaritans, and whoever else we could think of who would help us. All bcos we kept calling him and he didn't pick up. It was only then that Hsien realised the seriousness of it. I mean, Sirui and me know he is probably sensible enough usually not to do anything stupid, but there's always something called impulse, and this friend of ours is very very impulsive. So after careful deliberation of where we should go to search for him, we decided on Macritchie cos he'd stayed out of home many a night there before whenever he was depressed. So the 3 of us frantically took a cab down to Macritchie and combed the area. And gasping for breath, we finally found him at the jetty sitting alone, and shit, with a pen knife in hand and cutting his forearm. Not deeply though, but deep enough for capillary bleeding. Sirui and me then left Hsien to try to talk to him, cos seriously, we know it wasn't just the results that triggered this. It was partially his chi1 lian4 of Hsien as well. And so the 2 of us were sitting around, furrowing our brows in worry, and waiting for Miss Ong and his best friend to come. Hsien retreated a while after, and she was already crying, and deep inside I felt very guilty for dragging Hsien into this. We decided not to go near him for if we did, he'd start cutting in earnest again, and we couldn't grab the knife from him cos he was holding it too tightly. Then we waited. And waited. And waited. And all the while Hsien was sobbing, and I was feeling very guilty, so I just collapsed beside her and held her hand tightly. Even though she insisted she was okay, somehow Sirui and me felt that it was just too traumatic for her, and that he'd said something to her that really shocked her. I wonder if the revelation took place... Look, he even wrote something to her in the suicide note that was beside him. Sigh.

Eventually Miss Ong came, and I pulled her to one side and told her to let his best friend talk first. Well, the plan backfired cos his mother came and went straight up to him. And as his mother reprimanded him and he shouted back time and again in a cracked, teary voice, I broke completely and started to tear too. The previous times were never this bad. There never was a pen knife, there never were slash wounds, we never saw a suicide note... Until now. Sirui and me used to be able to talk him out of the depressing thoughts. Not this time. We were totally helpless. Our only job there was to be the first to locate him and then watch over him as people talked to him. And I felt helpless as I watched the events unfold. Eventually his friend came, and then his coach, and then Dr Tan Eng Liang. And gradually he did let go of the knife and with a bit of resistance, they walked him onto terra firma. I think the 3 of us were absolutely shattered. The feeling was a mix of being lost, hopelessness, helplessness, self-blame, guilt and shock all rolled into one. He's our friend, and to see a friend like that, and really wanting to cut his wrist, was devastating. We were traumatised. And I still am now even as I type. I need time, lots of time, to get over the picture of him sitting alone, back facing us, cutting at his wrist, crying, shouting at his mother etc. I need time...

And yet I know I cannot afford to be devastated for long. Sirui and me have been toughened for this a little bcos of the previous 2 years' experience with this friend. We know that we need to watch out for him in the next few weeks from now. And additionally for me, I have a duty to watch over Hsien as well, cos I think she really is traumatised by today. I still am sorry that she had to know today, and she had to go through this with us without prior knowledge of the state that this friend was in.

Oh no... I still feel very very saddened and shocked... Mum didn't help at all just now; when she knew, she just ranted on and on about how this friend should zi4 jiu4. True, he must help himself, but I believe we need to kickstart him and provide the necessary support over this trying period. Plus she didn't make any mention of how I should have overcome my emotional affliction. But was rather thankful that Nat and Mei were online just now to talk. I needed someone to talk to, and I desperately needed a hug to know that someone was there. Sigh. Am I trying to be too damn big a hero? But yet this is what I must do, for Hsien and for this friend. I need to be there for them, even though it's very daunting... Sigh.
Sometimes even heroes need some emotional comfort. Is anyone willing to do so?

I hope this doesn't haunt my dreams tonight...